Hi Guys

Welcome to this blog that I've put together with some spare time during this mid-semester break. With this, I wish to put out and possibly interpret my deepest thoughts and hopefully find some sympathizers out there.

To start things off, I'll describe myself so most of those who see this can get a grasp as to what sort of person I am. In all honesty, I don't find myself to be an honest person at face or even spoken value. It is when I am behind a keyboard, where I feel most secure, that I reveal my most inner feelings and thoughts about all kinds of people and issues. Despite this, I keep up appearances relatively well outside home and attempt to interact with people in my uni or even old high school friends. Although I have known my friends for longer than 5 years, I still find it a struggle at most times to tell them wholeheartedly how I feel about most things.

For most of the viewers, you may be wondering why I went with this title for the blog. When I was growing up and throughout most of my first 17 years of life, I was under the pretence that almost anything in life was attainable through effort and relationships. I used it as a fundamental basis for my rationale when I made decisions and it proved itself through results. However, this wore at me and eventually due to pressures from within family, society and even school, I felt like anything I could've reached for had slipped from my grasp regardless of effort. Nowadays, I'm more or less a cynic, misanthropic and pessimist about my existence, humanity, and everything in between. This idea eats away at my mind quite often though, "Would I end up becoming as much of a cynical asshole had I not shut myself away from a social life and society?".

Speaking of my social life, I tend to keep myself away from friends as much as possible whether its conscious or subconscious. Say for example, today a very close "friend" of mine is celebrating his 19th Birthday. I was invited of course, but then I was stuck on the fence for a long while until I chose to decline and forbid myself from going. This is by no means myself proving a point that I don't want to continue my relationship with him, nor do I want exaggerate my assertion that I am relatively anti-social, after all, I had prepared myself to go to this. I took off a month-long beard, I brought out my most fitting clothes for the occasion; So why didn't I go?

No offence Aaron, I had no interest in going. I made excuses not to go, and even James called me offering me a lift to your place, but no matter what, I couldn't bring myself to attend your 19th. Call it apathy if you will, but I feel no joy or generally any strong emotion from going to it. It also feels like I've developed a social hostility towards almost anyone I've known for a decent amount of time in the last year, for the most part, this has been directed towards "unfriending" people from facebook and just getting tired of groups of people after a short period (I'll discuss this later in a future post). This applies not only to randoms I meet in class or at school, but also people I've known for a long time as a mentioned earlier. There is simply no desire to be attend a social event such as this. Aside from the people going (which I'd rather avoid in any given scenario), I'd rather just seclude myself as I have been for quite some time now. It's possible that I've also let this develop into a lifestyle habit to the extent where I've become more comfortable with it than anything else...